proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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