So drunk, too bad you don't want this
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
