Got a toothbrush?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
