U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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