True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We had to coat check the pizza.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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