I didn't shave. On purpose
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
