I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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