She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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