never play flip cup with pint glasses
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
