Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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