2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
