yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
