you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
