please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
