I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
