I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
