I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
