he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
