Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
