It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She bit a glass in half.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My vagina is officially offended.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
