you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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