Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
