The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
