my vag is so smooth its legendary
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
