there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
