I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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