I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
