1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Houston, we have a squirter
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
