i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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