there's paper in my vomit.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
