I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
