I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
