fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
