I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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