i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
