My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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