Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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