Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
