my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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