Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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