There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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