I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
