Porn is love you can see.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
