I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
