life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
We got so high we made milksteak
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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