Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
