When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I need to align my fucking chakras
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
