Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
