she woke up with a sticky ear
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
