I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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