What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
