Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
